By now we are all well aware of terrorism, and it’s horrible effects on our lives. I for one think it’s time for a new counter-terrorism strategy, a strategy that relies on the notion that fighting fire with fire only burns the barn down faster. So while terror is the emotion stirred up by some folk’s bad behavior, I’m here to bring a new, much different set of feelings to the general public. What if instead of walking around feeling terrorized, we felt down right Terrific all day long?
That’s right, you guessed it… TERRIFICISM is my new tool for doing away with the common b.s. of industrial life on an injured planet. As the world’s first terrrificist I feel it is my duty to begin undoing the terrors of an oil-based economy, one well greased step at a time. With this little mission as my charge I’d like to start by dismantling a common misconception that has led to a vast fattening, sickening, and general disgruntling of the American population. This lie perpetuated through a well known popular idiom goes a little something like this…. “There’s No Such Thing As A Free Lunch”.
To all those pushing this capitalist propaganda, I say go eat a weed. Literally, eat a weed, and then eat another and another, till you’re chubby, because you deserve free food. Really, we all do, don’t we?
As the worlds first terrificist I hereby assert that all earthlings by right of birth and breath deserve a lunch by golly! So let’s eat!
Eat Your Weedies!
Dandelion (Taraxacum)
If I offered you a hardy perennial plant that bloomed all season, was entirely edible, could be used for medicine, helped shallow rooted crops like tomatoes grow stronger, and provided habitat for bees and butterflies would you think I was crazy for even suggesting that such a plant exists? Sure you would if you were unaware of the amazing super powers of the Dandelion.
Now the English name dandelion is a corruption of the French dent de lion meaning "lion's tooth", referring to the coarsely toothed leaves. I think the shape of the leaf is hardly the most notable part of this plant. I’d have to agree that taraxacum is a lion among plants, but given all this plant offers the world I think it’s time for a new name. Terrificum, or Terrific Lion seems much better suited then dandelion ever was.
Terrificlion grows everywhere, the leaves are yummy and full of vitamins A, C, and K. The root makes a tea that can help with liver detoxification, and just because it’s so good, I’m going to go ahead and adopt this noble beast as mascot for the terrificist movement worldwide. Long live the Terrificlion! Hear it’s terrific roar!
Creeping Charlie
(Glechoma hederacea)
Speaking of poorly named plants…. Wow, I sure don’t think I’d want to meet anyone whose nickname was creeping charlie, but then sometimes when we get to know a person we realize that our ideas about who they are don’t always match reality. Such is the case with dear Charlie.
A member of the mint family this rapidly spreading, lavender blooming, hardy perennial ground cover is also known by the name ground ivy, a name which describes accurately its growth pattern. Charlie’s growth pattern while important to know is only the beginning of the tail that Charlie would tell could his tangled stems talk.
Europeans who traditionally used it as food and medicine imported creeping charlie to America. My ancestors would eat the plant fresh and cooked and put it to use also as a flavoring and clarifying agent in beer making before hops were deemed the only legal herb for use in German beers.
Lately, creeping charlie has helped this gardener learn an important lesson. While speaking with a landscaping client who happens to be one of the world’s foremost experts on herbal treatments for curing autism in children, I was amazed to learn about the magic, magnetic meetings between plants and people.
The swing set in my clients’ back yard is the preferred hang out for her daughter a charming young lady who due in part to high mercury content in her blood lives with the effects of autism. As an herbalist, my client had been introduced to the notion that plants are attracted to those creatures that they can help heal and nurture. One day while considering her husband’s request to rid the lawn of weeds my client noticed an interesting phenomenon. The creeping charlie in her back lawn was growing from all directions toward her daughter’s swing set. The growth pattern was so pronounced that the creeping charlie was actually climbing the supports of the swing set in lieu the rest of her yard. As soon as she noticed this pattern the herbalist in her took over and she set to researching the association between creeping charlie and heavy metals in the blood. What she found was inspiring. Creeping charlie has been used since the introduction of lead based paints in Europe to treat what was known as “painter’s colic”, or lead poisoning, and modern herbalists swear by it’s use for treating heavy metal poisoning. Since finding this information my client has been using ground ivy, or dear old creeping charlie to effectively reduce mercury levels in her daughter and the other kids she helps.
Not only did I learn about the important uses of creeping charlie as a medicine, but just as profound to me is the notion that the plants growing around us know how to help and want to so desperately that they will use their growth and beauty to show us their helpful potential.
So while charlie does creep his way through the garden, his popular nickname would tend to leave a gardener feeling creeped out, and given how terrific Charlie is, I say it’s time we give this old boy a new nickname. Good Time Charlie used to sing the garden blues, but now that he’s better understood I’m sure we’ll all be singing a different tune.
Lamb’s Quarters
(Chenopodium album)
Grows like crazy, and tastes like spinach. These are the outstanding traits of dear old lamb’s quarters. The list of minerals and nutrients available from lamb’s quarters are almost as long as it’s list of common names. Known world wide as every thing from goosefoot, fat-hen, nickel greens, pigweed, and lamb’s quarters to the nicknames, which denote it’s preference for compost piles, dungweed, and my personal favorite, dirty dick.
While the nickname dirty dick works wonders at wiggling the giggle out of folks, it only tells half the story. This plant is nutritious, and that’s not dirty, it’s delicious! Delicious Dick is the new terrificist nickname for this strong, upright, freely seeding weed. You’ll find new dinner delights with Delicious Dick in your dish!
Terrificlions, Good Time Charlie, and Delicious Dick are all right outside your door! A buffet of heroic plants waiting to please your pallet, and these three are just the beginning. Wood Sorrel, Burdock, Chickweed, Violets, Daylillies, Garlic Mustard, Milk Thistle, Plantain, Purslain, and Nettle are a few of the other heroes of health that grow freely all around us here in Minnesota and Wisconsin.
In the near future you may awaken one day to a rumbling plea from masses gathered in the streets below your window. You will know these people are your friends when you hear their merciful battle cry, “Free Lunch Now!”. Join with these brave brothers and sisters, fear no plant, and make allies of heroic weeds!